Update

I know I need to do some major updating here. I WILL get around to it. Sometimes, I honestly forget I have this place site.

2 Years and 2 months

It has been 2 years and 2 months since my son Jason was killed in Iraq. 2 years. For many, I should be over this, life does go on doesn't it?

Hell no.

For 2 years, I have fought to get Jason's name, Jason's story out there. In some ways, it has been a formidable task because Jason was Wiccan, and so many do not understand Wicca, nor my more Native ways. I fight and battle the assumptions about him, that as a soldier he followed blindly, that he was a Christian, that he fought for our Freedom. For anyone new to Jason, he voiced his opinion, he was Wiccan, and he died his men--not you, not me, simply his men.

For two years, as I have sought to get his name out there, I have struggled with ways to reinvent him, in a sense, for those who have been with me from day 1. I want people to keep getting to know Jason, and not hear the same stories, or attributes about how kind, tolerant, and humble he was. Jason was stoic, he had a dry sense of humor, he loved video games, and he loved to write. Jason was a complicated person, whose final months were not that happy in his personal life. But, he was a solider, a mere enlisted man who told his colonels how it should be done and why it should be done. They listened, but with tied hands.

For 2 years, I have laid in bed each night, recounting my son's final moments. I have the Final Report committed to memory. I almost have a photographic memory on things I chose to remember, and boy, did his fellow soldiers, the Army let him down. You can be the best, but if you are the best, and not a Christian....

There isn't a day, a moment that passes that I do not just think of Jason, but of my son Ben. I told Ben I knew he was going to Iraq, I had foreseen it in a dream, a premonition. But, he knew I knew. I always know. My sons can fool others, but they cannot fool me. Each day, I anticipate I might hear a knock on my door, a call, a something telling me something has happened to him too. You have it happen once, you know it can again. Lightening can and does strike in the place, area, more than once.

Everyday, I check the news where Ben is, the web sites for the base in Iraq and the base here. When I hear something has happened to a soldier, I investigate even though I know I would know, as I did with Jason.

For 2 years, I have been full of lies. No, I am not alright. I am broken, my heart is shattered, my soul is dead. I am disgusted by those with former legal ties to Jason who, out of pure narcissism, use his death to solicit pity, use his death for financial gain, use his death to put themselves on a pedestal. Someday, Karma will ring that person's bell, loud and very hard.

I am still so angry. I am still so hurt, and I still simply refuse to accept this. To me, this is the Underworld masquerading as reality. 2 years and 2 months of hell, of lying about how 'good" I am, of pretense. I am sick of it!

And, I think Jason was left to die in his humvee. They only checked on him 20 minutes afterwards, after they airlifted the others out and had secured the area. 20 minutes in a burning vehicle, and then they did not take him out of it for 2 days.

When I first started this account, it was to back up my blogs at Myspace. I've written so much about him, which I guess has also been about my "journey," experiences, sentiments as a result of my son's death. I wanted people to know that its is normal to be angry, normal to be sad after more than two weeks, normal to mourn.

With myself, I did not have a body to touch and say goodbye to. What remained of Jason was sealed in plastic, wrapped in linen and a uniform was pinned to that. What has made his death so much more painful has been the lack of answers, the struggle to change his Headstone, my Senators having to intervene so I could receive the Final Report. The Final Report is a group of sworn statements by those at the incident and those arriving immediately afterwards. While the IED attack was planned by Insurgents, the decision to wait 20 minutes before checking on Jason was not. I know this has to do with his beliefs, and I want answers, and Justice for my son. Jason was such a compassionate person, and I have considerable problems knowing so much time has elapsed before they decided to look into his humvee. To me, that is at least, involunteerly manslaughter.

The only way I know how to deal with the frustration, with the internal questions I have, is to write about it. Hence, I write constantly about him, constantly to the Army pleading to have another Report done.

I want answers, and I want people to know what a wonderful person he was.

We miss you Angel.

Love Mom

Jason's Earth Birthday:(

When a mother gives birth to a child, it is a day which links forever links them together. It is her true Mother's day. I have been fortunate to have three such days: June 16, April 28, and January 7th.
Today is January 7th, the day I struggled to give birth to my son Jason. He was too big for me to have, even though he weighed 5 lbs. 13 oz, a month early. He was breech, turned the wrong way, and entered this world blue due to the umblical cord wrapped around his neck. I remember screaming what was wrong as they worked to get him breathing, and then their rushing him out of the room.
I remember the day before, January 6th. I had to renew my military ID card, and I was in early labor. They made me wait 2 hours, even though I had an unhappy toddler, and was having contractions. I don't know why, but they thought it was funny to see a pregnant woman in pain. But I needed the card if I wanted to have my baby on base. Afterwards, I had to leave the commisary with James in tow, because I could not take it anymore.
And I remember January 5th, the 4th, etc. I have a remarkable memory regarding my children.
When Jason was born, the doctor, Col. Chase was so mad at me. A breech birth from an enlisted man's wife just wrecked his day. I was amazed, it was such a different experience than his brother's birth.
Then, at 11:55 am on Saturday January 7, with the doctory pulling and the nurses pushing on my stomach, Jason, Sweet Jason, emerged into this world. I didn't see him for hours later--he was blue, I had lost so much blood, but when I finally did, oh the perfection of a baby. His dark hair, military part, black eyes just melted me. He seemed too tiny to hold, even though he was only 2 ounces smaller than his older brother when he was born. He was simply perfect.
And he stayed perfect. He had his first birthday in Plattsburgh, NY. I had a home made blue smurf cake, with his first present being a Cat-in-the-Hat scooter. He loved that thing, just as he would would later love his Smurf Big Wheels, Space Shuttle Legos set, Black van, etc. He was pure little boy, a little tempermental at times, always scolding of James, always a delight.
Jason, I wish you were alive to celebrate your birthday. I wish I could make more memories with you, listen to your soft voice, hear you brag about your own child. I wish sweet Angel, I could hug you on this day.
Jason I wish I could say Happy Birthday to you, but I cannot. It does not feel right. I love you Jason, I miss you so much.Love Mom